(30 Days of Truth – Day 12 – Something you hope to change about yourself and why)
Today’s topic is a pretty easy one. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I had to sit and contemplate for hours about what I would change about myself but that is just not the case. I wish I was happy with who I am and how I look, but I’m not. I wish the list of things I hope to change wasn’t so long, but it is.
For me, the most obvious answer is my appearance. I want to be skinny. No, that’s not entirely true. I want to be healthier which would most likely result in a leaner, toned and more slender version of myself. I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I remember how in middle school and high school I could never share clothes with my friends. This was brutal on the psyche and self esteem of a girl trying so hard to fit in and be popular. The funny thing about this is that looking back at photos from that time in my life, I was actually just the right size. As it turns out, I just hung around with really skinny girls.
It was after high school that my weight really became a problem. I could fluctuate 10 pounds on a weekly basis and often yo-yo’d up and down by 20 or more pounds every few years. I went through T-Factor, Dexatrim and prescription Phentermine when I could find a doctor to prescribe it. There was a time that I even tried exercise but that never lasted longer than the first lactic acid burn in my inactive muscles. Some of these weight loss methods were very successful and some not so much as the weight would almost certainly find its way back to my body.
I’ve dealt with this cycle for more than two decades now. I’ve been in relationships that destroyed my self esteem and I’ve been in relationships that loved the extra cushion around my middle. There have been times when I was at 180 lbs that I’ve felt as beautiful and sexy as it gets. There have been times at 140 lbs that I felt like an ugly duckling. I’ve lost and gained weight because of who I was or wasn’t with. I’ve gained and lost weight in both happy and sad periods in my life. There is no rhyme or reason to the viscous cycle that is my waistline.
I want to stop the cycle. I want to stop it now. I want to stop the dieting and yo-yo’ing and just get healthy. I want to do this for me. Not for who I’m with or what I’m doing. Gil is the absolute perfect husband when it comes to my appearance. He loves me, pure and simple. He loves me at 140 lbs and at 180 lbs. He loves me exactly the same no matter what the scale says. This is why it’s so important for me to get healthy. I want to be around for a very long time and I’m afraid that my up and down weight cycles are going to create unnecessary health issues in my future. I’m no spring chicken anymore and it’s time to take this seriously.
I know that becoming healthy is not going to happen overnight. I know that the pounds are not going to melt away in a few weeks time. However, when I’m needing a little help appreciating what I look like right now, this song never lets me down.