My friend just posted a Facebook status that reads, “A clear understanding of negative emotions dismisses them”. It is somewhat serendipitous that she posted that as I sit here filled with negative emotions. As a matter of fact, I’ve been on quite the emotional roller coaster lately and I’m having a hard time pinpointing the root cause of all this negativity. I find myself unable to fall asleep even though I’m completely and utterly exhausted. There was a time when I would jokingly say that nights would be so much more restful if I could just get the voices in my head to stop screaming. Trust me when I say that has earned me some pretty awkward glances.
I haven’t had a night like this in a really long time. I’m not sure what’s prompting the sleeplessness but I have some ideas. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve spent most of the day hung over and the depressive effects of the remnants of alcohol are taking a toll on me. Last night was so much fun and the ability to ‘let go’ for a few hours was very much needed.
Sleep could be hindered by the fact that I’m constantly making lists of to-do’s regarding our upcoming trip to Mexico. We’ve never traveled with the kids before and I’m a little nervous and stressed about it. Not at all stressed in a bad way but just the typical thoughts of packing and making sure we don’t forget important things. It doesn’t help that I’m so excited about this trip that I can’t stop thinking about all the fun stuff we have planned.
There are other stresses associated with this trip that I have no control over. I’ll be away from work for 8 business days, which can be a lifetime in my profession. When we planned this trip for June, it was the ideal time with regards to my projected work schedule. Of course, I should have known that when dealing with the United States government, nothing ever goes as it should. Last week we got 62 requests for proposals that are all due pretty much while I’m gone or the week I get back. I’ll do as much as I can and between my boss and myself, I fully expect to knock out a chunk of them. However, I know we will not finish them and that means the burden will fall completely on my boss, and as much as I would like to not care, I do. I hate to leave him. That’s just who I am. My boss would tell me to stop being silly and forget about work and enjoy my well deserved break. I’m sure I will have no trouble putting it out of my mind once I’m in Mexico but for now, it’s got my brain working overtime with worry.
I think these are the biggest causes of my negative emotions tonight but I feel it’s only fair to list some of the other random things floating around in my head. I’m missing friends and family. I’ve got a personal to-do list several pages long. I have about a half dozen partially written blogs that I want to complete but can’t make myself sit down and finish. I’ve dealt with some office politics at work lately that have left me feeling empty and angry. I’ve watch insincerity run rampant around me. I’ve been weak in my reactions to that insincerity and that really bothers me. I’m physically exhausted most of the time for no reason. Laziness seems to rule my world and I’m very unhappy with how I allow that to happen. I missed being at church today and will miss it for the next 2 Sunday’s as well. There could be some very significant changes at work that scare the crap out of me. Gil’s 19 year old cat is sweet and loving and still gets around but I’m afraid his quality of life is diminished to the point that we need to make a very hard decision soon. I see people I love dealing with some tough demons and I want to help more but still feel completely helpless most of the time.
Well, there you have it. I’ve put the negatives out there in an effort to gain some understanding of them. Seeing some of it in black and white does help me realize that most of what’s negative in my life can be easily fixed if I just take action. Some of the negatives aren’t really negatives at all, but for some reason I’m choosing to think negatively about the positive things. Some of the things are completely out of my control and I just have to trust that God will guide me to do the right thing when I have choices to make.
I want to stop dwelling on the negatives and remember the positives. I have an amazing group of friends that I try not to bother too often with my worries, but I know that if needed, they would come in like the cavalry. I have an amazing husband who loves me and takes care of me in ways I never dreamed possible. I have my mom here with me all the time, just in case I need her. I have a great job in which I’m challenged and presented with opportunities to grow and become better every day. I have my health. Yes, I have little grumbles and complaints, but overall, I’m healthy. I believe that I’m living a life that pleases God.
Ok negative emotions, consider yourself dismissed.