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Faker

For one year and two days I have written about being authentic. I’ve spent the last year being more open and honest with what I see, hear, and feel. I’ve admitted things that I never thought I would and it has felt really good and has been very therapeutic. I’ve enjoyed the release of simply saying some of this stuff “out loud” and I’ve truly surprised myself along the way. However, tonight, I have a confession to make.

I’m a fake.

Well, not entirely and not always, but today, I am a fake. I’m dealing with a hurt and disappointment related to my job, and I can’t … I won’t … be honest with you about how I feel.

This is the first time I’ve had to hold back what I’m thinking. I have to repress what I want to scream out for all the world to hear. This …. is unchartered territory for me. I’ve seen other bloggers do it and live to tell about it, but I can’t afford to take that chance. You see … I am afraid of who may be reading this, and I need my job. No matter how wounded, let down, or angry I may feel, I can’t do or say anything that might jeopardize my employment. As a matter of fact, this may already be more than is acceptable.

I found out on Tuesday that the promotion I’ve been hoping for would not be mine. Not only would it not be mine, I wasn’t even included on the short list of applicants. It was a blow that I was completely unprepared for. I knew that I was lacking in some areas of experience, but it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t even get a chance to fight for the position. Just like that, my opportunity was gone. So, too, were the dreams associated with what being able to advance into a position for which I thought I was being mentored.

Back in September, I wrote about how I almost didn’t apply for the job because of some crazy notion that I might not be good enough. I even made the following statement:

I needed to remind myself that I was just as qualified as anyone else applying for the job and that if I wasn’t selected, then it wasn’t that someone didn’t believe in me, it was simply that someone else was more qualified than me.

Sadly, I’ve come out on the other side feeling exactly like someone didn’t believe in me. Like someone wasn’t willing to fight for me. I know there are processes and procedures. But I’ve seen other people hired into positions they weren’t necessarily qualified for simply because someone believed enough in them to give them a chance. I wasn’t even given a chance. And although it may be a result of a process or procedure, it sure does feel like it’s because the powers that be at work don’t believe in me.

I wrote about how it doesn’t matter what others think of me. That’s a lie. It does matter. The shot to my self-esteem was brutal and hurtful. I know I am good enough. I know I deserve a shot at this opportunity. But I will never be able to prove that now.

I’ve always heard that God never says “No.” Instead, He says, “Not now.”  I don’t know what His plan is for me. I have no idea. But what I do know is I will have to wait. I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, wipe away the tears, and wait. In His time, I’ll understand, and I’m sure I’ll be at peace with this in the end.

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Author:

Animal lover, music junkie, wife of @danaCreative. I'm on a mission to find my authentic self. Love supporting worthy charities and causes however I can.

16 thoughts on “Faker

  1. Perhaps there is some other path you are meant to take. i always believe things happen for a reason. Don’t lose faith in yourself. It’s a hard blow to your self-esteem when you are passed over in the workplace. That happened to me last year, twice. I was not meant to take that path and would not be doing what I’m doing now if I had. Don’t worry about other people fighting for you – fight for yourself, believe in yourself and be your own advocate. I’ll cheer for you!

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    1. First of all, thank you so much for reading my blog and taking the time to leave such an inspiring comment. This was just a shock and it kind of knocked me off my guard. I had another really bad day but I’m starting to feel better. I know there is another path for me so I’ll just have to be patient and see what direction life begins to take me. I will indeed fight for myself, once these wounds have healed, of course.

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      1. It is my absolute pleasure. Your post touched me because I have felt the very hurt of the sting you described. I am sorry you had another bad day but glad you are feeling better. I am sending you positive energy to heal those wounds and hit the floor running 🙂

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  2. Regardless the title, regardless the employer, regardless the job function, regardless the commute, regardless the hours, regardless the coworkers; your career, my career … they’re but means to an end. Means for the life we live together and share together. So long as I can be with you, by your side, holding your hand every step of the way, that’s all that’s important. The rest is just static.

    I love you, Babe.

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  3. You are such an amazing woman! It is completely their loss that they did not give you this opportunity! I am so sorry…I do know how much it hurts. You do not need that job…BUT they will realize how much they need you! Maybe by then…you will be outta there! 😉

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    1. Gina, thanks chica! I’ll just wait and see what the future holds for me for now. I struggle with knee-jerk reactions when I’m hurt or angry so my first reaction was to run from this thing that I felt had hurt me. I won’t do that. I’ll wait and see. That’s all I can do for now. I’m sure that once the shock wears off, I’ll feel completely different about the whole situation. In the meantime, I’ll pray and ask for God’s guidance.

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  4. Lee… first of all this post is absolutely authentic! You’ve managed to express exactly how you feel, while maintaining your dignity and professionalism. That’s a very hard balance to strike, and a credit to your writing skill. Few people could express themselves to eloquently while feeling such emotion. You are just so wonderful Lee : )

    As far as the promotion goes … Gil got it right… in the big picture, this is just static. But it can also be a powerful motivator to take control, switch gears, look at options, put plan B in place. I worked in in the corporate world for 20 years (ironically in Human Resources). It was my job to put people in boxes, until the day when I could no longer stand the box they put me in. Funny how life works ; ) I didn’t like conforming and twisting and trying to make myself fit. I didn’t like being told that my salary was capped to what the marketplace would bear. But mostly I didn’t like feeling that someone else was controlling my growth. So I walked (I’m not recommending that, but it’s what I did.)

    Sometime we should have dinner and drinks and I’ll tell you exactly how I reinvented myself, the bumps and bruises along the way .. and I how I found my freedom (and the love of my life : )

    Stay strong. Keep believing in yourself. Keep being authentic. Because YOU Lee Sullivan… are MAGNIFICENT!

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    1. Deb, once again your words blow me away. Unfortunately, the faker part is that I did hold back…a lot. I do feel all of those things I wrote about but sadly, I just can’t write about EVERYTHING I feel. Too many co-workers reading… 🙂

      I’ll bounce back and the hurt will subside. I’m just so blessed that I have this forum where I can write and get it out there and then feel so comforted by the words and support of people like you. YOUR support means a lot to me. I would love to sit down and hear your story. Maybe it will inspire me to …. do something….I’m not sure what….but something.

      Hugs to you and John. And thank you!

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      1. @Lee, you have an amazing cheer squad here 🙂
        @ Deb…what a fantastic, supportive comment and I totally agree with your outlook on being ‘put in a box’. I walked too. It was a mental health decision.
        @Gil…great words…made me smile

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  5. This was an incredibly authentic and brave post – wanting leaves us vulnerable. Left wanting leaves us feeling rejected. I have also had the experience of feeling like I am being mentored only to realize that I was not considered.

    Looking back I am so relieved – I was selling myself short. In order to get to where I am now I had to be rejected multiple times. Doesn’t make it suck less, but hopefully it provides hope. Perhaps this is what you required to move forward to realizing your dreams.

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    1. wanting leaves us vulnerable. Left wanting leaves us feeling rejected

      I LOVE this. And, it’s exactly how I feel. I’m still dealing with a lot of negative emotion about this and each day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed and go to work. My head knows that if this happened, then God has a different plan. My heart, well, that still needs some time. Thank you so much for reading and for leaving such a sweet comment!

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