For one year and two days I have written about being authentic. I’ve spent the last year being more open and honest with what I see, hear, and feel. I’ve admitted things that I never thought I would and it has felt really good and has been very therapeutic. I’ve enjoyed the release of simply saying some of this stuff “out loud” and I’ve truly surprised myself along the way. However, tonight, I have a confession to make.
I’m a fake.
Well, not entirely and not always, but today, I am a fake. I’m dealing with a hurt and disappointment related to my job, and I can’t … I won’t … be honest with you about how I feel.
This is the first time I’ve had to hold back what I’m thinking. I have to repress what I want to scream out for all the world to hear. This …. is unchartered territory for me. I’ve seen other bloggers do it and live to tell about it, but I can’t afford to take that chance. You see … I am afraid of who may be reading this, and I need my job. No matter how wounded, let down, or angry I may feel, I can’t do or say anything that might jeopardize my employment. As a matter of fact, this may already be more than is acceptable.
I found out on Tuesday that the promotion I’ve been hoping for would not be mine. Not only would it not be mine, I wasn’t even included on the short list of applicants. It was a blow that I was completely unprepared for. I knew that I was lacking in some areas of experience, but it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t even get a chance to fight for the position. Just like that, my opportunity was gone. So, too, were the dreams associated with what being able to advance into a position for which I thought I was being mentored.
Back in September, I wrote about how I almost didn’t apply for the job because of some crazy notion that I might not be good enough. I even made the following statement:
I needed to remind myself that I was just as qualified as anyone else applying for the job and that if I wasn’t selected, then it wasn’t that someone didn’t believe in me, it was simply that someone else was more qualified than me.
Sadly, I’ve come out on the other side feeling exactly like someone didn’t believe in me. Like someone wasn’t willing to fight for me. I know there are processes and procedures. But I’ve seen other people hired into positions they weren’t necessarily qualified for simply because someone believed enough in them to give them a chance. I wasn’t even given a chance. And although it may be a result of a process or procedure, it sure does feel like it’s because the powers that be at work don’t believe in me.
I wrote about how it doesn’t matter what others think of me. That’s a lie. It does matter. The shot to my self-esteem was brutal and hurtful. I know I am good enough. I know I deserve a shot at this opportunity. But I will never be able to prove that now.
I’ve always heard that God never says “No.” Instead, He says, “Not now.” I don’t know what His plan is for me. I have no idea. But what I do know is I will have to wait. I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, wipe away the tears, and wait. In His time, I’ll understand, and I’m sure I’ll be at peace with this in the end.